No man who possesses functioning testicles should ever watch “Nine Months” (1995). Ever. I’m serious. It might be the chickiest chick flick of all time. Possibly banned in Russia for being blatant propaganda for Whipped Nation, starring Hugh Grant and his ridiculous, girl-looking Supercuts hairdo. The plot is Every Woman’s Dream: She gets pregnant; he throws away his life and cuts off his nuts. Other hijinks ensue, but that’s not important. This movie’s only reason for being is to perpetuate female delusions. Too bad, really, because Julianne Moore was totally hot. And, strangely, so was a buff, tan Jeff Goldblum.
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One night, Stanley Tucci will be at a Manhattan cocktail party. All his frufru friends and New York Times execs will be telling him what a great artist he is. Then somebody’s boozy boyfriend will mention “Undercover Blues” (1993), where Tucci plays a version of Tony Montana that is more schtickup than stickup. He’ll think back to that awful movie, serving as slapstick foil to Dennis Quaid and Kathleen Turner. As he’s about to punch the drunk, he’ll suddenly feel a hand on his shoulder. “Fuck it,” Dave Chappelle, his movie hoodlum sidekick will say, “we’re still getting residual checks.”
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