Archives for posts with tag: Skinemax

Whores on horses. Westerns changed a lot after John Wayne died. “Bad Girls” is a 1994 revenge/caper/western with brief glimpses of Drew Barrymore’s boobies. Madeleine Stowe plays a butt-kicking madam with a dark past who shares undertones of homoerotic chemistry with Mary Stuart Masterson (Where is the Skinemax remake when you need it?). Andie MacDowell plays herself. James Russo channels Tom Sizemore playing a psychopathic bandito (which would be a great name for a rock band). Robert Loggia gets whacked (Doesn’t he always?). There are big guns (besides Barrymore). And no, Dermot Mulroney is not the dude from “Grey’s Anatomy.”

In 1984, Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer made a movie with no helicopters. Not a single goddamn thing blows up. “Thief of Hearts” is an erotic thriller in which Steven Bauer robs a suburban couple’s house, then seduces the wife, all while looking extremely pretty. (The opposite of pretty? Bauer’s crime partner, a young David Caruso.) A couple more sex scenes and it would have been perfect for the Friday night 11:30 timeslot on Skinemax. But there aren’t. And it isn’t. It was the lowest-grossing film Simpson/Bruckheimer ever made. Their next effort was “Beverly Hills Cop.” The rest is history.

What if you made a Brazilian tourism video that was also soft-core porn? (Redundant?) What if a Trump-like mogul used real estate deals to mask the fact he’s a closet perv? (Redundant?) What if you had Jacqueline Bisset and Carre Otis in tank tops? (Redundant?) Well, that’s pretty much all there is to “Wild Orchid” (1989), an early version of filmmaker Zalman King’s safe-for-soccer-moms style of screen screwing. This film is basically a practice run for every episode of “Red Shoe Diaries” and all the Skinemax ripoffs that followed during the 1990s (I mean, not that anybody was complaining). Redundant.