With a lame-o title like “A Tale of Two Guns” (2022), I was sure this western featuring washed-up Tom Berenger, Jeff Fahey and Judd Nelson would suck. Despite the fascinatingly stilted dialogue, it just kept not sucking. Not sucking as relentlessly as the deputy marshal played by Ed Morrone pursues the outlaw played by Casper Van Dien. Still, it’s primarily a boilerplate, post-Civil War bounty hunter story with an ironic twist. Berenger, Fahey and Nelson are mostly decorative, as is not-washed-up Danny Trejo. Not great, but it didn’t suck. Robert Revell composed a spaghetti-esque score that’s part homage, part plagiarism.
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It might be the most exploitative public service announcement in Hollywood history. “Girl in the Basement” (2021) features a rebellious daughter who is locked in the basement bomb shelter of the family abode, where her crazy dad (Judd Nelson) visits to rape her repeatedly over two decades, creating a second family. There’s a helpful phone number to call at the end if you suspect someone you know is hiding people in their basement. Lifetime says it’s “inspired” by actual events, like that’s some sort of excuse for its existence. A documentary or news story about “actual events” would have sufficed.
When you come across a movie you’ve never heard of starring a bunch of people you have heard of, it’s usually artsy fartsy (think “Gosford Park” or “Magnolia”). But sometimes, it’s just fartsy. The methane delivery system known as “Airheads” (1994) features Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler, along with Michael McKean, Joe Mantegna, David Arquette, Ernie Hudson, Chris Farley, Judd Nelson and Michael Richards. Loser L.A. rockers with toy guns and underdeveloped career plans hijack a radio station. Hijinks ensue. Thin plot. Physical comedy. Ninety-two minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Are you ready to rock?
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