Chill Factor

It was filmed 20 miles from my old house, so, to prevent bias, you tell me how sucky “Chill Factor” (1999) is: An army colonel named Brynner spends 10 years in Leavenworth and comes out with Yul Brynner’s accent. Glass vials full of a chemical weapons agent get dropped on highway asphalt and don’t break. Said chemical agents cannot get warmer than 50 degrees or they will detonate, but the movie’s heroes decide to leave a diner – which has a walk-in freezer – and instead drive all over Montana with them. Plus, you have the dude from “Hardcastle and McCormick.” Well?

 

Jerry Maguire

I don’t know much about Renee Zellweger (I even had to look up how to spell her last name.). I know she’s won some awards. I’ve heard she smokes and she’s batshit crazy, but I have no first-hand evidence of either. I do know that in 1996, she made a movie with Tom Cruise. Written by Cameron Crowe. A romantic comedy for guys. Every woman’s favorite football movie. She played a certain type of character. She was at a certain point in her career. Lightning in a bottle. “Jerry Maguire.” I hope she can look back on it with satisfaction.

Outbreak

Modern cinema suffers from a disease known as blockbusteritis. Symptoms are cookie-cutter plots in which the hero saves the world and hooks back up with ex-wife/girlfriend, in no particular order. Oh, and helicopters. Lots of helicopters. Experts are trying to track down the host virus, but it dates back at least as far as a 1995 outbreak called… well, it’s called “Outbreak.” Dustin Hoffman saves everyone from a killer disease by making impassioned speeches. Ex-wife Rene Russo might have been better off dead. In an unusual twist, neither of the two black co-stars (Morgan Freeman, Cuba Gooding Jr.), get killed.