Archives for posts with tag: Casper Van Dien

The first five people you meet in “Assailant” (2022) are a guy who dies, the guy who kills him, an annoying married couple and a marriage counselor. Unfortunately, the film is not about the marriage counselor. What a stupid movie, and not even in the so-stupid-it’s-mildly-entertaining sort of way. The annoying couple takes a romantic tropical vacation in an attempt to resuscitate their marriage, whereupon they encounter the aforementioned “guy who kills him” and hijinks ensue. Casper Van Dien plays a psychopath with a hang-up about apologies, which writer-director Tom Paton never bothers to resolve, making himself a bigger sociopath.

With a lame-o title like “A Tale of Two Guns” (2022), I was sure this western featuring washed-up Tom Berenger, Jeff Fahey and Judd Nelson would suck. Despite the fascinatingly stilted dialogue, it just kept not sucking. Not sucking as relentlessly as the deputy marshal played by Ed Morrone pursues the outlaw played by Casper Van Dien. Still, it’s primarily a boilerplate, post-Civil War bounty hunter story with an ironic twist. Berenger, Fahey and Nelson are mostly decorative, as is not-washed-up Danny Trejo. Not great, but it didn’t suck. Robert Revell composed a spaghetti-esque score that’s part homage, part plagiarism.