Early in “Apex” (2021), Bruce Willis’ character is described: “He used to be something great. He’s at the end of his rope now.” How cute. I see the filmmakers watching me watching them. Later, there’s a scene with movie references that make me believe they want me to believe they’re not taking this whole “The Most Dangerous Game” plot too seriously. It’s really camouflage for laziness. If you want to watch rich A-holes stalk humans, “The Hunt” is much better. Willis, as the prey here, seems perpetually tired despite his general lack of (acting) effort. Everyone’s dying to kill him.
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My annual movie ranking. Criteria: films widely released to theaters/streaming/DVD in 2022 that I watched in 2022 that weren’t Bruce Willis movies. See below for Bruce. Links to reviews where I had time to insert them.
Top Gun: Maverick – perfectly fulfills demands of sequeldom
Last Looks – evokes Elmore Leonard’s Hollywood
Elvis – caught in narrative trap, can’t walk out
The Batman – familiar hero weighed down by history
Everything Everywhere All at Once – Tiger Mom learns to kill with kindness
Nope – another Jordan Peele mind bomb
Downton Abbey: A New Era – beautiful, romantic, period-costumed junk food
The Lost City – fun rip-off of “Raiders,” “Stone”
The Black Phone – ’70s style overcomes horror substance
The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent – ironically mediocre self-parody of mediocrity
Father Stu – Mark Wahlberg’s suprisingly moving ne’er-do-well
Bandit – refreshingly fun Canadian caper flick
Where the Crawdads Sing – upwardly mobile product of a low-ceiling genre
Last Survivors – surprising May-December mediocrity
Weird: The Al Yankovic Story – flawed but funny mock biopic
Don’t Worry Darling – Rat Pack rat race doesn’t end well
Bullet Train – actioner bogs down under its own weightiness
Delia’s Gone – bleak yet compelling mystery
Death on the Nile – bluesy but downbeat whodunit
Moonfall – alien armageddon flick jettisons common sense
Uncharted – Indiana Jones-style video game mediocrity
The 355 – run-of-the-(fe)mill spy flick
The Bad Guys – comfortably unoriginal animation mediocrity
Secret Headquarters – kid-driven superhero mediocrity
Ambulance – antiquated action mediocrity
Morbius – (medical) textbook comic-book mediocrity
Marry Me – harmless, rom-com mediocrity
A Tale of Two Guns – bounty-hunting western travels worn-out trail
Black Site – oddly engrossing, action-espionage mediocrity
Dog – interestingly dark man’s-best-friend story
Scream – big-budget, mediocre fan fiction
Supercool – teen comedy mediocrity
Alone Together – muted rom-com mediocrity
Panama – slightly compelling Drug War mediocrity
Redeeming Love – mediocre Christian porn
The Northman – Viking revenge mediocrity
Emily the Criminal – millennial moral dilemma mediocrity
Lightyear – rocketman prequel fizzles
Memory – geezer action mediocrity
Dead for a Dollar – Western showdown mediocrity
Blacklight – more geezer action mediocrity
The Contractor – wounded warrior mediocrity
Agent Game – mediocre action TV pilot
Shattered – “Misery” redux as gory mediocrity
Last Seen Alive – an incomprehensively ridiculous ending
Gone in the Night – below-average highbrow horror
Poker Face – goes all-in on incoherence
The Devil You Know – sub-mediocre family drama
Confession – commits sin of boredom
Assailant – annoying married couple vs. annoyinger psychopath
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Here is a ranking of Bruce Willis films I saw in 2022, regardless of year released. Given his diminished state, and his films’ interchangeable banality, they require their own category.
Apex – rich murderers vs. murderous ex-cop – interestingly derivative
Gasoline Alley – hookers and cons vs. dirty cops – sloppy
Cosmic Sin – discredited general vs. warrior aliens – unfortunately ponderous
Deadlock – vengeful vet vs. hungover vet – preposterously compelling
Paradise City – bounty hunting ex-cop vs. John Travolta (?) – mildly interesting
Vendetta – crime boss vs. Marine dad – messy gun porn
Trauma Center – crooked cops vs. old cop vs. waitress – tedious
Wrong Place – widower ex-cop vs. dimwitted crook – boring
A Day to Die – corrupt chief vs. triple-crossing mercenaries, gangsters – incoherent
American Siege – alcoholic sheriff vs. hostage takers vs. militia – nonsensical
Fortress: Sniper’s Eye – wounded mercenary vs. vengeful protege – gratuitous drivel
A simplistic plot, bleak characters and an overly wordy script that makes 96 minutes seem too long. “Wrong Place” (2022) is another eye-roller from Bruce Willis: the Declining Years. In what feels like a drawn-out episode of a bad TV show, Willis is an ex-cop (surprise!) who’s a bad driver and spends too much time talking when he should just shoot somebody. He witnesses criminal hijinks and becomes a marked man just as his cancer-stricken daughter shows up with a surprise that can be conveniently exploited by the bad guys. Meanwhile, there’s a demeaning subplot involving the only black character.
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